going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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