walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
