A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Randomize
