I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
