I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
