i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
