i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
