yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Randomize
