Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
