Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
as a side note pls kill me
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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