I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
How naked do you want me to be?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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