Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
