What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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