And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
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