i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
