Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
