me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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