My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
