I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
You took a bar mat shot.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
