Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
