im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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