Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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