Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
