I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
