is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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