you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
