My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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