; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
