The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
