You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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