ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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