Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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