he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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