I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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