I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
