I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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