I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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