my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
time to smoke my breakfast
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Randomize
