someone threw a dead crab at me
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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