dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
