did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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