dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
