Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
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