so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
