im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
