i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
