I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
