I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
