good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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