I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
