I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
