One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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