just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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