I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
