I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
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