I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
