remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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